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Transgender feelings: diary entry 1It has consumed me for years.I cannot shake it off. I try to bury it. Deep inside me. The more I try not to think about it, the more it comes back. The more I feel it. I am transgender. I want to be a woman. I need to be a woman.Ever since high school, when I marvelled at lingerie models in the newspaper, pretending to pose like them, feeling jealous of the skirts and tights the girls in my class were wearing, dreaming of being a lesbian submissive, I have struggled to shake it off.I have bought dresses, lingerie, high heels, I have thrown them away. I have bought them again. Rinse, repeat. Once a crossdresser, always a crossdresser. So the online forums say. It never leaves you. But I am more than a crossdresser. I need to be female 24/7, 365. I need to change completely. I need to transform my body. My lower body has always been feminine, broad hips, Escort shapely ass cheeks which respond well to gym work, petite feet and legs. My upper body is a mixed bag. I have always carried some fat on my chest, even when I have a 6 pack. My shoulders are narrow. I dream of having large breasts. I always marvel at women with massive, natural breasts. Wishing I could have them too. What a joy it would be to feel them jiggle with each step.If I could wake up in the morning with a large pair of breasts, that would be sheer bliss.As for the penis, for years I have plotted and planned its removal, its disection and transformation into a perfect pussy. Of course, it is a complicated procedure. If only I could wake up with a beautiful vagina between my legs. If only the pathetic 2 inch strip of meat could be gone when I say so. It is of no use to me.I have had girlfriends Escort Bayan in the past, but I have never had a desire to penetrate them. Play with their breasts, sure, but no desire to get inside them. I want to play their role. I want to be in their position. I want to lie naked on the bed, seduce the other person to caress my naked body, play with my breasts, spank my ass.I’m not gay, I tried to be, but I can’t be. I don’t find men attractive. Perhaps its a self loathing, that I hate being a man. It would be fun to have sex with a guy as a woman, but I cannot imagine kissing a guy, or going on a date with one. Men are not for me. My biggest fantasies involve me being submissive. To be tied up, stripped naked, spanked, whipped, fucked with a strapon. Like the lesbian bondage videos I watched as a teen. I didn’t even masturbate to them back then, I just marvelled at Bayan Escort them, wishing I was the girl who was tied up in the video, being dominated by the lesbian dominatrix. Outdoor bondage is my favourite, to be taken into the woods, naked, punished. More on fantasies in another post.I go down to the woods when it’s dark, with a sexy dress, lingerie and heels, put them on and walk around, feel like my true self. It’s killer having to take them off and revert back to ‘male’ being.In the office, I see the women wearing fantastic outfits. Dresses, skirts, tights, boots, heels, flat shoes, everything I love. I dream about swapping places with them, about being them. Maybe some day.I dream about throwing away my male clothes forever. About waking up every morning, putting on my finest dress, or skirt and blouse, tights and heels, strutting into the office like a boss lady. Or Saturday nights, wearing a tight bodycon dress and strappy heeled sandals, in the club with all eyes on me. It hits me every time when I’m out and I see the girls, I wish I was one of them.Comment below if you have experienced similar feelings to me.xx
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